Last post of 07

So I realize I've probably lost all my readership on this thing since it's been over a week since my last post. I don't really care though, thats on you guys. I started my 3 weeks of winter break on friday and so I haven't had much interaction with lump since then (not to say that I had a ton while I was in school). I've decided to leave you all with this little anecdote before I start enjoying my vacation and sleeping in my room. alone.

My roommate is a bit like a child, as if you couldn't imagine. He needs a babysitter. You know how parents get baby sitters for their kids so they don't watch cartoons and eat oreos all day? Exactly. See with him it's like I go to class and when I come home I'm always surprised at what I find. It's like, oh hey buddy, how have you wasted the day? what kind of unproductive and wasteful activity have you gotten yourself into?! That's the roomie I know!

So anyways, I think this one happened on a weekend. Little preface here, the girls who live across the hall have kind of taken him in. When I say "taken him in" I mean it exactly how you think I mean it, like when some kind people take care of a stray animal who is usually a piece of shit with no manners or consideration. Damn, I made that analogy up as I went along and it's spot on! Back to the story. These girls are nice, I don't know why they waste their time with this guy, maybe because he gives them answers to homework? Except that couldn't be true because he's never done homework before....hmmm. I came home from somewhere and he's sitting watching something on the computer and he's got a mohawk looking like a half breed. He's like that kid who goes to the family values tour and then plops down in the back because he's too lazy to mosh and the sound hurts his ears. I don't know why I said he's like that - he is that kid.

This was a special occasion apparently because he actually left the building and drove his car to downtown santa barbara with these girls. God how I wish I could have been blessed to sit in that car enjoying awkward, demeaning conversation and a man reeling off snapple cap facts as if they held some merit. What left the building that day was not the same thing that returned. Mind you, this kid wore the same rotation of 5 shirts during the week (fyi, the week has 7 days in it), rarely did laundry and took naps with his shoes on. He was what I found...

Costume change ≠ Change of character

I wish I had a full body shot, I really do. He's wearing:

Track jacket that matches some Aqua VIIIs
White and purple block stripe shirt
Skinny black levis
High top chucks
...oh boy

I walked in and he had his head down, he said something along the lines of this... (he always does this actually. He asks some mindless rhetorical question that I can't answer because I don't care. And then he seems to have a counter response. Can you even do that? Like logically?)

"What did they do to me?"

I had it. I was like "Son, they didn't do anything. You're the one who spent 3 bills on clothes you don't like. Man up." Okay, so maybe it didn't come out exactly like that, but it was certainly along those lines. This shit got me thinking, what is going on in his head? He wears walmart blue light special jeans with some hand me down tees from his mom daily, how are you gonna switch up your style all drastic like? Are you a hipster now? What would jesus say? What would Serj from system of a down have to say? Are you appeasing these girls across the hall? Because I can tell you they honestly don't care what you look like, you're just a barbie doll to them. Calling you ken would be giving you wayyy too much credibility because that's my boy.

Honestly, I have to leave on that note. Dwelling on this topic is making me uneasy. I even had to go to the kid's facebook to get the picture and I saw some pictures of a get together he had in his hometown called the forest (or was it middle earth? I forgot). I'm out of here, hope everyone has a safe and merry holiday. As for me, I'm gonna take notes from my roomie and sit on the couch. All muthafuckin day.

Pizza #2

He probably figured since it was 2X tuesday it was only right to get a pizza. Or two. And then eat it. All to himself. With the door, and windows closed and then put the remaining scraps in my fridge. So not only do my apples smell like chicken and onions, but the entire room smells like cheese grease. Lowkey, I think it's just mixing with his stench too. He hasn't shaved in weeks but I don't think he's the type to do it for fashion, I think he is just too lazy to break out that little fucking shaver he uses. Which is pretty pathetic considering it does all the work for you. At the same time, I guess I should be pretty happy because one time I came home and caught him using it; while he was walking around the room. Like son, I know housekeeping comes once a week, but don't dump your facepubes all over my godforsaken floor. Maybe since he's mad religious he's just going for the jesus look. Unfortunately for him jesus wasn't a douche bag.

As if things couldn't get more ridiculous...

Finals week started today (if you consider a week to go from sunday to saturday). I've been doing work most of the week, the study room is packed full like it's never been before and I have finals on thursday and friday that I don't think I'm going to pass. Roomie has finals, but I guess he doesn't have to study for them or something. First it was the anime, and he watched a lot of it. Like so much that I feel like I might even know what's going on in season 5 of "Gundam". Today I guess he got his iTunes working or maybe he just remembered that he liked music. Well, that's what he calls it. As if everything about him couldn't get any worse, I come to find out that his favorite genre of music is "Death Metal". Specifically, System of a Down. Now, I remember buying their CD when I was in like 5th grade, and either they got really bad, or my taste in music changed a lot for the better. It's some terrible music. Because as if finals didn't want to make me kill myself enough, I have music playing with the word "death" in the title of it's genre. He's also been playing halo 3 for the past couple hours. I think he opted not to go to dinner because of it. So know he's listening to death metal and killing people on the internet. Wonderful. Meanwhile I'm looking over ideal gas equations and molarities while bumping that Miles Davis - Kind of Blue album like jazz is going out of style. I'm not religious by any means but he is. So I have one question: is this really where you want to be when Jesus comes back?


Aside: I've gotten several messages from distraught readers due to my classification of System of a Down as death metal. I just want to say, I don't discriminate; it all sounds like shit to me.

I keep telling myself this is going to get old...

But no. My boy has been sick for the last 4 days. I don't know if it's any coincidence that he's also ditched class for the last 4 days. It's called "dead week" because everyone is busying studying, not because you're supposed to pretend that you're deceased and so you stay in bed for 15+ hours at a time. Yesterday he fooled me! Get this, he woke up at 8:30 because he has class at nine, he gets dressed brushes his teeth (normal human stuff) then I leave to go to class. I return home around 10 and he is...wait for it....playing computer games. Okay, so it wasn't so much of a shock and didn't need to build up but you get the point. Then he takes a nap around 10:30...perplexing isn't it? Wakes up around noon, mills about for an hour or so, then he's back asleep at 2 o clock! Here's where it gets fuzzy, at some point he managed to watch all of "Pirates of the Caribbean 3" and then be back in bed by 6 pm. His sleep schedule is so complicated I can't track it even when i write it all down! I think on tuesday he managed to watch 2 full length movies...like double feature status. Maybe I shouldn't use the word manage, that implies that there was some degree of difficulty in watching these 2 films. No, there was no effort extended in this practice. I don't even think he cared about one of them because he was watching anime with the volume up while the movie was going...geez.

So back to today, the 4th day in a row that he hasn't gone to class. Because he hasn't gone to class I also think that it's the 4th day in a row he hasn't left our room, save the one time he made an appearance in the dining hall. I thought to get sick you had to catch it from someone. But if he hasn't had any human interaction for 4 days and I'm good and healthy, is he just deteriorating? Yesterday he managed to watch anime from like 7 PM until 2 A.M. While watching cartoons I witnessed him consume:

A package of Reeses
A Snickers Bar
A bag of peanut M&Ms
AND
A Hersheys chocolate bar with almonds

I ran down to the gym as fast as I could. When he isn't watching anime or sleeping, he's watching TV in bed with the covers up. But he watches shit like "World's scariest police videos" and just about every piece of programming that comes on spike TV. He used to watch star trek but I think he is sick of it because he has viewed every episode. ever.

I'll leave you guys with a picture I took the other day and a small conclusion.

This is what I saw when I walked in at 5 PM. He is asleep with all the lights on and I think he might have been wearing shoes too....I wasn't even in the room, he's just a hibernating turd.

And maybe you think it's creepy that I take pictures of my sleeping roommate. But people look at pictures of naked children on the internet, I think I'm a little better off.

Anyways, living with this self certified genius has made me realize one thing. The guy with 90% of the brains and 10% of the effort is just as well off as the guy with 10% of the brains and 90% of the effort. You can go around telling people how smart you are all you want, but if you watch mindless television all day and sleep 60 percent of your life away, it doesn't mean anything. College credits don't count for shit in life.

Oh yeah, HI GRANDMA, LOVE YOU!

Easy Mac from HELL

After working on my paper for Writing 2 all night I walked into the dorm to be hit with the pungent smell of...eww..is that easy mac? Well, there wasn't any Easy Mac left, but the remnants of it were staring at me when I went to brush my teeth:

That was last night. I just moved it to the right side of the sink so I could live and I'm thinking "I know he's not waiting for me to deal with it". Apparently he was though, because I came home from class at like 11 AM and it looked like this....


Right where I left it. You'd think he could put forth the effort he saved by making easy mac (hence the "easy") to clean up the dishes. No, scratch that. It's ONE dish that he dirtied up, no elbow grease required! I could lick that plate clean in the time it takes for his computer to boot up.

I suppose I can't really be mad at him for not cleaning it up. Afterall he did have a rough night. He was up until 1:30 AM! Oh wait, I was too because I can't really go to sleep unless the lights are off and it's quiet (as quiet as 38 kids on one floor can get). Then he woke up at 6:45 when his alarm went off to remind him that he had 8 AM class. I made it to mine, he chose to press the snooze button 5 times and eventually unplug the alarm clock. I came back from class to find this...

I went to breakfast to come back and find this....

Then took a nap around 11:15 and woke up at around 1 P.M. to find this...

No, I didn't mess up the pictures. This is my life. Just watching somebody be this lazy takes a toll on you. It was really hard to get to sleep when my nap time finally rolled around. See, dude is a snorer, but not like my dad snores. Well, for those who don't know my dad, I can hear it through the wall, and my mom ends up sleeping on the couch because she can't hear herself think in the same room. My roomie snores like if my dad was being smothered with a pillow. Like this drawn out muffled nasal thing. It almost sounds as if it's difficult for him to sleep and breathe at the same time. I know, multitasking is rough. Once I went back to sleep he promptly brought out the xbox and fired up some halo 3. The surround sound is dope. Not when I'm trying to get some damn shut eye though.

Then the elevator broke down with somebody in it and emergency teams came....

A lot of em....

Good night...

Just an average Monday!

You ditched class and slept till noon. But somewhere in the back of your mind you thought maybe you'd go to class and for that reason you let your alarm go off and you hit the snooze button about 10 times between 7:30 and 8:30. You kept hitting it and going back to bed, I thought maybe this didn't make sense because I had just got up and I was a bit delirious but then I remembered that 99% of the shit you do doesn't make sense. Like going down to the dining hall to eat 2 pieces of pizza and then going to get dessert and returning with 12 cookies. Like honestly, why do you get 12 cookies from the dining hall when you make sure you have a box of double stuff oreos under your bed at all times? I know it's all you can eat, but that doesn't mean you should eat it all..

And ever since you came back from thanksgiving and you brought back some computer speakers you've been at liberty to broadcast whatever the fuck it is you listen to all throughout the room. In this case, it's japanese anime, in japanese. I'm trying to bump that Illmatic album and I just hear all this japanese gibberish but I can't do nothin about it because I'm not trying to catch a case. Eff.

Oh yeah, the other day I decided to take stock. Here's the run down. I'll leave it up to you guys to come up with caloric content and placement on the nutrition pyramid:

Easy mac ( 2 boxes, 6 servings each)
2 large bags of pretzels
3 boxes of microwave kettle korn
12 pack of cream soda
case of water
5 pomegranates (miracle fruit?)

He hasn't been to the market in a while but it looks like he's running low on the easy mac. I'll let you guys know when he re-ups.

And I just want to take a quick minute to comment on his choice of fruit. The man gets popcorn that all you have to do is pop in the microwave, macaroni and cheese with the word "Easy" right in the title and then he goes and buys pomegranates to eat? I like to eat fruit but damn, you just chose to buy the one fruit I refuse to eat. Indulging in one of those is like a test in ones patience. Now that I think about it though, if I got so bored with my life that I went to sleep when I wasn't even tired just to pass the time, I'd probably eat fruit that takes an hour minimum to eat too. I think he's been watching too many commercials or reading too many POM Wonderful ads about how magic the fruit is. Yes it has antioxidants in it. No it will not fight off the sluggish feeling you get from washing down a bag of pretzels with two cream sodas. Not even Copperfield can pull that.

I'm that dude...

The dining hall looked pretty shitty tonight (because I check the menu online), so like we went out to get japanese food because we're multicultural. We were mad hungry so it was all gone in a matter of minutes and we're like why are we going to waste our dining hall meals? Mommy is paying for em and she wants me to be full! Me and the homegirl go down to the dining hall to genteely dine on some dessert and sip some coffee. Thankfully the dessert was squares of orange cake and the coffee was of the vanilla latte persuasion. We make it down there to find this....
Yes our dining hall is directly out of the "Saved by the Bell" sound stage. And yes that is a 5 piece jazz/lounge ensemble playing in the corner complete with Francisco Torres' own dining hall manager on keys and this dude playing the drums with some freakishly large bug eyes who suspiciously looked like the the guy playing the keys. Normally I'd be a dick and make some joke that would say something about the fact that this well rehearsed quintet made up of middle aged men is playing to a crowd of 18 year olds who are only concerned with gorging themselves so they don't get drunk too fast. And of course that they should re-evaluate their current position in life. Of course, as I said before, I had coffee after dinner, not haterade so I couldn't be mad (doggie). These guys were good. I was groovin, especially when they threw on the theme to "Sex and the City" that had my head knocking. Where's Carrie? Only in SB. These dudes were probably drunk or something.

Nappy Poo!

Dude woke me up at noon. I didn't see him go to breakfast. Then he played mindless games on ebaumsworld.com for a few hours. Now it's 4:20 and he's back asleep. I wouldn't mind so much, but when he sleeps he curls up in a little ball like he's 4 years old and brings the covers all around his neck with his shiny little dome popping out of the top looking like a circumsized penis.

Hangover Eggs and Blog

The best part about living in IV is that if you're super drunk and you want food, the restaurants are all open till sunrise. And then when you get there you don't have to feel embarrassed ordering while slurring your words because there's a really good chance that the person taking your order is pretty fucked up too. If I was stuffing pita bread sandwiches til 2 o clock in the morning please believe I'd be high as shit also (theoretically, I don't do the toke toke).

If you want to read about my last night with my roommate you can just read the last blog entry. Repeat performance, with the TV and everything.

So to anybody out there reading this, I want any and all of you to come stay with me. You might have to sleep on the floor but just show up. I don't wanna know when you're coming, I don't want my roomie to know you're coming. Let's just make it really random and never turn the TV off. Agreed?

It was 35 degrees out in IV last night. Thankfully I had my liquid blanket on. I looked that term up on urbandictionary.com but it was no where to be found, I'm starting to think it's just a Santa Barbara thing. A liquid blanket is the warm feeling you get after you hit a couple shots. This is how the majority of girls in IV can go out on the town wearing booty shorts and tank tops (because it looks cute, duhhh) pretending it's july, even though december just started yesterday.

Back to my roommate. This girl from down the hall told me about her run in with the kid the other night. She popped her head in and asked him if he knew where I was. He indignantly replied, "99% of the time people come in here and ask where Stefan is, they never want to know where I am or how I'm doing!" My friend politely asked how he was doing...."Fine, I don't know where Stefan is (as he remains fixed to the characters moving on his computer screen)" Buddy, let me help you out. Maybe nobody asks where you are because you're always in your bed? That's like asking where the TV is, even though it's been in the same spot for like 2 months now. That shit isn't moving. And people would ask you how you're doing, but to be honest, nobody cares. You say the same thing every time someone asks how you are and you're waaaay more interested in the people online than you are with the people you live with.

So that's that. One more week and my first quarter of college is done. Since I'm taking math this quarter, I'll tell you that I'm 1/12 done with school, or 8.33%. Dead week is after that and then I'll be in LA. Come look for me, I'll have the room to myself.

Three's Company

If my roommate keeps pulling shit at this rate, I honestly don't know what he's gonna be putting me through by the end of the year. Last night I came in my room after dinner to find 4 dudes standing around looking at my stuff. They quickly scurried into my adjoining suitemates room. I asked a dude on my hall who they were and they said they are friends of my roommate. This statement left me quite puzzled. I always assumed my roommate was arrogant and had no friends, and that those two worked themselves into a vicious cycle of loneliness. Then it hit me, maybe my roommate only needs 4 friends and that's why he can't be the least bit considerate to any one else on the hall. 3? no...then you have to rotate them too much. 5? no...too many names to remember.

I vaguely recall having this conversation about his friends coming over and staying...I say vaguely because it happened like a month ago. He asked if I would mind should a few friends come and stay. When I asked how many he told me, "uhhh, I dunno maybe a lot". What? Anyways, this inquiry came to fruition last night with out my prior knowledge. They weren't around FT for long and I was soon home alone, in a room all to myself. Ahhhhh

I got this really bad headache last night though so I didn't end up going out. I would have just got dreezed in the dorm rooms but I popped a few advils to cure the headache and I'm sure mommy wouldn't approve of me mixing drugs and alcohol. So I stayed in and didn't do anything spectacular. Actually, Gordon ( The guy who lives on my floor and is mortimers long lost twin - if mortimer worked out 3 times a day and only wore "man-tanks") and I were bored so we decided to square up for a few games of sting pong:

Me

Gordo

This idiot in the rec room was all like "That looks like it hurts! Why don't you guys play beer pong?!" Son, if Tecate was flowing out of the faucet like water please believe I'd be playing beer pong....After being subjected to Gordons antics for over an hour I decided it was time to hit the sheets. I was pretty concerned when i came back to my room because I really didn't want to walk into a circle jerk of my roomie and his 4 friends (no homo). Surprisingly I walked into an empty room and passed my ass out at about 2 AM. Of course, douchebag and his friends (who were actually quite nice nice might I add. But then again, I did talk to my roommate for a few weeks before I realized he was a creep. Maybe it just takes time with that whole group) come stomping into the room at an ungodly hour. fuck.

I'm finally sleeping in for the first time since thanksgiving woo hoo. Oh fuck, what is that? what the...is this guy watching Kill Bill at 10 AM? With the volume all the way up? Is that a sword fight I'm hearing? or is that just in my head because I'm still asleep? Oh wait no, this guy really is that inconsiderate that he can't even wait another hour when I'm out of bed. (For the record, I don't watch TV or listen to music when he's napping at 5 P.M.) Do I act like the pimp that I am and handle this fool? Oh wait, his 2 friends are passed out on the floor, I'm a pimp but I can't do 3 on 1, my hand ain't that strong. I took a picture on my phone of our room guests but my roomie is a fan of the blackout shades so the picture is a tad on the dark side, it's not even worth posting. Now I'm blogging at 1:10 P.M. on a saturday afternoon in the rec room because if his friends are anything like he is, they're probably just playing video games and now I'm exiled. Great. I know I forgot something but whatever. See you guys later.

Oh one thing I did forget. While I was walking around on campus I saw this guy. I was so in awe at what I saw that I forgot to take a picture. He was wearing a beanie, aviators, a really tight shirt, sevens and some fucking uggs with the tops rolled down. No comment.