Taking note of the kid who does not take notes

I wrote this entry at 6 am.

2008-06-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

I wrote this entry at 6 A.M. inside my head. That's when I woke up for my final that was today at 8 o clock. I forgot most of the entry because I had a 2 hour test about sociology and global inequality but I think you'll get the gist of what I'm saying. I wrote that recap post way too early, I thought he might let up with the brain deadness during dead weeks and finals week considering he has 4 classes which would mean 1 more final than I'm taking, but no.

So I live with this kid right, and he's a complete and utter failure at everything he does. I don't care how much he denies that or his family or anyone around him, this kid cannot do anything remotely productive. Thank god computer tournaments give out monetary prizes, otherwise I'd say he'll be living with moms for the rest of his life.

Back to the point of my story. I had this test this morning around 8 AM, so did my shithead roommate because we have class at the same time (so we have finals at the same time too). He hasn't been to class in probably 8 weeks. He had this Computer Science final the other day and when my friend asked him if he studied or knew anything he was like "Nope, I'm just going to play around on the computer a little bit, figure some stuff out" mind you that was at 3:20 pm and the final was at 4. He was back quick and told everyone it was a piece of cake. Yeah whatever, I peeked at your computer screen while you checked your chem grade and if my off the top of the head calculations were correct you're falling somewhere between a D and a C. Call me nosey, but fuck, I knew there was no way you could be doing well at all given the fact that only 2% of your time awake is spent not playing video games. So last night I get to bed around 12:30 after smushing a few last minute facts into my head and roomie is still bouncing around on the computer and doing whatever shit he does and I'm thinking...when is he going to get to bed? I mean, final is a 8, you think he'd get some shut eye?

No.

Yeah, he did it. He just stayed up the entire night. I woke up at 6 am to the sound of him printing shit out. I don't even know if he was studying or looking at W.o.W. forums. I'm starting to think he stayed up all night so he would have to deal with the shitty process of waking up to an alarm at 7 AM. This way he could just stay up for a long time, take a shower and go, never mind the fact that you've been up for 21 hours straight and you've been ODing on soda and pizza. That doesn't matter at all. All I can remember about this morning is being up at 6:30 mumbling to myself "I hate this fucking place, I don't know if I can last 3 more days. 3 more days son, that's it." If I do bad on finals because of this crackhead I might break skulls. Just watch.

Now that I got that out, it's off to study more. I'll probably hit this thing up with one more entry after finals and then it's set in stone. Thanks for reading this. Peace

Ugh..

2008-06-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

I know if you have work until 5 am you would most likely sleep all day, but isn't that just a figure of speech? Why do you actually need 12 hours of sleep? It's 5 oclock PM and you just woke up. Yesterday you woke up at 5 o clock and missed a perfect day. There was a fucking carnival outside, with a bbq, and music and 200 kids around the pool and you slept through all of it. It's fucking foul.

Okay, he woke up at 5 and now he's back in bed at 6. He's lying sideways under the covers watching television like he's got the flu or some shit. You're not sick, you're cancer.

2 Hours

2008-05-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

My roommate was awake for 2 hours today. He's been playing this stupid ass video game until 5 AM for the past 3 days so in turn he has been sleeping all day. I left this morning at 9 o clock and got home at 7 PM. When I opened the door at 7 PM I woke him up, it was foul. Now It's 9 pm and he just got back into bed and is out, till when? I don't know....I don't really want to know. I'm going to go puke because he's gross. Peace

Thought it was over...

2008-05-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

I wrote the previous entry (see: recap) in wishfully thinking that I wouldn't have anything more to write and that my shitty days in 1214 would be over but roomie managed to surprise me yet again last night. SO he got this new computer game (and through some research I've found that it's called "Assassin's Creed") and it looks and sounds dope but then I realized in the end it's just him maneuvering this character around and halfhazardly thrashing a sword around and killing average looking people. Maybe I don't fully comprehend the games that he plays or I haven't allowed myself to become fully submerged in them but he gets way too much enjoyment out of these things.

Yesterday he woke up around 4 o clock, or atleast I'm guessing because I walked in shortly after. The lights were off and he was watching star trek under the cover (singular). After a minimarathon he started playing this game around 5 or 6 and I left around 7. When I came back at 10 he was still playing, after brushing my teeth and going to sleep he was still playing. Thankfully I was really tired so I managed to get some rest in this time around but he woke me up a few times just because he was clicking the mouse so damn much. He woke me up right as he was turning his computer off and shutting down to go to sleep, you know I wouldn't miss this opportunity to his the alarm clock and see what time it was. Any takers? Guesses? How about if I told you he went to sleep at 5:30 in the morning? No lie, that's when he hit the sheets. Now I'm freaking out because he's been on record to sleep 14+ hours in a row which would put him at waking up around 8 pm, just as the sun is all the way down. You know when you make those paper rings that are all connected and you rip one off each day as christmas draws nearer? yeah, 17 days and counting. Peace.

RECAP

2008-05-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

So I guess this blog is coming to an end. Not a premature one though, I've been wanting to do this for a while, you know, end one chapter of my life and begin a new one. I was going to wait until move out day or sometime thereafter when I'm sitting in my new spot with the ocean view and I don't have much to do but wake up and go on radio all day, but frankly the dining hall doesn't open for 30 minutes, I'm starving and I can't actually fall asleep in that small period of time.

*Aside: I might actually be able to since I was woken up twice last night. First at 1:30 by an intoxicated friend of mine who lives on my floor who walked in and jumped on my bed to say hello. And second when my roommate started expressing himself with expletives towards the computer monitor a little too loud for my slumber. Then I looked at the clock and realized it was 4 o clock in the AM and just gave a big "Whatthefuckisgoingon... type sigh"

So here I am. I like to do these blog entries before 3 PM because I can just sit in the dark, type them out and my roommate is none the wiser because he's just closing his eyes trying to pretend that the day hasn't begun even though it's technically half over. I don't want to make this sappy, but I also don't want to forget anything. I feel that there's really no need to rant since I've been doing that in the previous 30 posts in this blog, but I might have to make a few points.

I've just been thinking about the whole college experience and well here it is. I've already told my parents this, so mom you can just skip down a few paragraphs and dad I'm proud of you for making it this far because frankly I didn't know if you even read this at all, or maybe you have somebody read it to you because you can't read and that's all good too. I don't discriminate. So anyways, I actually had this conversation with Max on air this morning. College is about balance. It's about balancing academics with self indulgence. It's about doing the work to get by without sacrificing the opportunity to do whatever you want at just about any hour of the day. When it comes down to it, this school isn't too complex. It consists of 20,000 co-eds who need to make a grade for their parents, but at the same time want to drink and smoke as much as possible, lay out by the beach (preferably inebriated), find someone to have sexual relations with (preferably not for longer than a 24 hour span) and go to class just enough as to not have a guilty conscience. We work hard but our effort towards making grades is far outshined by our effort put forth to take a 30-pack to the face. Go ahead, eat a 2,000 calorie burrito at 3 in the morning, why do you think the restaurants are open that late? Of course it's acceptable! Freebirds does more than half their business between 12 and 3 AM!

Of course, this blog isn't about the other 19,998 kids. This one is about me and my roommate. I made the prior point to relate it to this guy who is sleeping 4 feet away from me. He's never drank, never smoked, never left the dark cozy cavern he's made out of our dorm room, probably never seen Del Playa beach, never talked to any girl except the one across the hall and even went home during Halloween weekend. Yet, he is the most self indulgent person I've ever come across, it's just that his tastes in selfmade luxuries hasn't matured to that of the rest of the UCSB community. He sleeps as much as humanly possible, he eats and drinks soda as if he's trying to reach a quota, he lays under the covers when he watches TV for mindnumbingly long periods of time and he plays video games that he is good at so he can talk shit to little kids over the internet. He knows he is always correct because his twisted vision of reality has lead him to believe that, and he buys copious amounts of comsumerist shit for ridiculously cheap prices so that he can say he "got it for cheap". It's all for show. He's compensating obviously. From the big flat screen, to all the new computer parts, to the new car, to the CSO uniform. You my friend, are practically indescribable. My vocabulary is not big enough nor does it contain an adequate amount of adjectives to correctly and thoroughly describe just how much of a waste of life you truly are.

Being thrown in a room with a stranger that you are "paired-up" with is one of the stranger institutions of college life. I can say whole heartedly that I would have preferred any other human being to share a room with. I know this is college and it's a time to escape but I would have even preferred to share the room with my mother or father, it was that bad. This guy did nothing for me. He lived his life, I lived mine, and yet his managed to impose on me in the worst ways. Somedays it was so bad I had to leave so that it wouldn't affect me too much, because if I let it get to me that badly, then he wins. And believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was let this guy win. He wins everything in his mind, I'm sure he's never been told no. He's taking this computer science class right now and you'd figure it'd be the perfect thing for him. He gets to type in shit on the computer all day long. What's more pathetic is that he is on the computer all day and never actually does the homework. He never cracks the book and when his friend comes in to ask how he's doing he always says "I'm screwed. It's due in an hour and I haven't started. Can I copy?" Everything, always. He's a self proclaimed genius who won't put out any effort whatsoever. Old einstein said it himself, Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.....

I want to say that I learned something out of this experience, but in doing that I would be implying that he taught me or that I learned on his account. That would just be giving him too much credit and he's the least deserving person in the world. I picked up this writing again just now at around 330 PM and he's furiously smashing buttons and killing goblins online. He's also breathing heavily every minute or so because he's so engulfed in the game that he's forgetting he needs oxygen. I'm so frustrated being here that I can't even think of anything remotely positive. So with that, I'll finish up the 07-08 freshman year wrapup when I'm in higher spirits. I think I'm going to go punch a wall now. Peace

You're still reading this blog??

2008-04-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

So I realize I write in this blog about how much my roommate sucks and how redundant his lifestyle is but I forgot to mention how much this blog sucks and how redundant it all sounds. My roommate had class today from 12-1 and then from 2-3:15 and slept through all of em. He played this horrifically violent and realistic first person shooter game on the 360 for most of the day and I had to bear the cries of waves of Nazi's as he mowed them down with his WWII era sniper semi auto. Now he's watching sci fi channel, eating twizzlers and washing them down with a squirt.

I can't really be mad at him for sleeping through all of his classes though, get this. At 2:45 last night the fire alarm went off in our building. It wakes you up with strobe lights in the hallway and this blaring alarm that they can probably hear on campus. I hop out of bed, look down the hall to a bunch of people half asleep looking out their doors like "Do we really need to do this?" I mean, afterall there was no imminent danger, no fire ala "Backdraft", nothing. But we all get dressed in 12 seconds and walk into the parking lot. This scene is epic I must admit. 600 kids, vacating one tower, everyone is half asleep and all literally got dressed in the dark. Everyone is pissed off and wearing booty shorts with the biggest parka they could find because it's like 50 degrees out. Luckily the homegirl brought down the keys to her car so we sat in there and laughed at everyone on the outside. I know I should have been angered and dead tired but the situation is just hilarious to me and so I couldn't help but crack jokes for 20 minutes until the fire truck showed up. It's like this big show, everyone comes outside, waits for the fire truck to pull up with all it's lights going off to give the clear and then we can all go back in and go to sleep.

So I got back into bed at like 330 and went to sleep at some point. By roommate went into fucking CSO mode and was walking around the parking lot with a flashlight just incase the sun goes out. He's all talking to the CSOs and trying to tell people shit when he forgets the golden rule. We don't take your shit when you're wearing your yellow polo, we sure as hell don't listen when you're wearing an OC Choppers hoody and some starter basketball shorts. Plus since this bitch is nocturnal he figures since he's awake it'd be a perfect time to go get a sandwich. This dude just posts and eats his sandwich in the middle of the night since he didn't want to go to sleep anyways. Long story short, I get woken up again at 5 o clock in the morning because the nuclear holocaust, chernobyl worthy alarm goes off again and everyone once again vacates into the parking lot. I was in a goofier mood simply because everyone else was even more pissed off and I was ready to throw in the towel on sleeping period because I was more awake than ever and the dining hall opened in 2 hours and I figured there must be some party still raging from the night before...I got back to sleep eventually and woke up in foul condition. I feel better now that I've gone to my classes though.

Back to the situation at hand though, dude is just chillin under the covers with the blinds half closed to avoid direct sunlight. I need to slip him some vitamin D pills (right? Sunlight deficiency?). I'm going to eat because I'm starving. Peace.

Fuck My Life Part 2

2008-04-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

My laundry is done in 29 minutes so here goes nothing. Right now it's 1 o clock and my roommate went back to sleep, yeah, like again. Let's see how it all started shall we?

Last night I was hanging out at the front desk because two friends of mine were working from 10-2 am so I thought I'd keep em company. I basically ended up working the entire shift without pay but whatever, I don't really care that much. Around 1230 AM this black lady comes to the front of the building and is just standing there with some puppy dog eyes. Doors lock after 10 so I opened it for her to ask if she needed anything. She walks up to the front desk and with this dead ass stare on her face says to us "Okay, I need to ask you guys something but you need to promise you won't laugh alright? Okay...where am I?" We tell her she's in Goleta California which is right outside Santa Barbara. I don't want to go through a whole mess of dialogue but when it comes down to it, this woman was trying to get from Gilroy to her house in Fresno:

Exhibit A

This is where she actually went..

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMNNNNNNN

I printed her out how to get back to her house but I just felt so bad, she said "That's what happens when you let a man drive! Go Girl!! Anyways, yeah she was a good 4 hours or more away from home and it was already almost 1 AM. Then I somehow brought up the fact that the beach was only a 10 minute walk and her eyes lit up like "Did you say the beach? There's a beach over here?" And I told her yeah and then said "Umm, excuse me, have you ever seen the beach?" And she was just in awe like "Nahhhh!!" I need to stay over night to see this!! Then she asked me where she could get a camera to show her friends and she got on the phone with her auntie talking about "Where my kids at" and I just wanted to crack up in laughter but I couldn't because I honestly felt so so bad. Plus I also heard her saying "When I get back to the car I'mma cut this nigga!" That freaked me out a little bit, I'm not gonna lie.

That was that, ended up crashing closer to two, much later than I expected. Then my roommate came home from "duty" (Without quotes just makes it sound like a job, it's more like boy scout camp) at 3 am and woke me up. Then I thought the sun had come out and it was morning already but instead he had just turned on the TV, when he realized he had woke me up he turned it off and then proceeded to start eating. This guy ate for like 20 minutes, just sat up in bed and started munching in pitch blackness. It was absolutely repulsive, I'm trying to sleep and all I can hear is him reaching into the gallon of bgoldfish box, getting some, and then crunching them around in his disease ridden mouth for a while before dumping the rest of the box down his pie hole. I think he finished em or maybe he just got tired because then he moved on to tortilla chip, his selected snack lately. He's been doing the chips and salsa thing all day now, with the thing of salsa just sitting on his chest, ewww.. So he's digging through this bag of chips at 3:30 in the god forsaken morning and all I can hear is him crunching away and the inside of my head is about to explode. For the first time in my life I actually felt full fledged anger. I couldn't do anything, everyone was asleep, I can't sleep in the study room, I don't know the people working at the desk, I'm tired, he's closed the window so I'm burning up and I have to hear him munching n chips. I was about ready to punch a hole in the wall. People ask why I never do anything to him, or ask him to change, and it's because I'm just a nonconfrontational person. I'd rather let it blow over than deal with it. I haven't talked to him in over 2 weeks so why should I start now right? But for that one moment, at 330 AM last night I was ready to get out of bed, walk over to him and bash his head in. I ended up falling asleep and then got woken up by his alarm at 8 o clock that went off 5 snooze cycles until he decided today wasn't the day to go to class.....WOWWWWWW.

Now it's 1:15 in the afternoon, my laundry is about done and I'm typing this in a pitch black room even though it's clear as day outside and as beautiful as christina milian in love don't cost a thing. Instead of playing some nice music and relaxing on a gorgeous day, I'm venting while the thing that I live with is curled up on his fucked up bed that looks like it came back as a movie prop from schindlers list, blinds closed, eyes closed just sleeping away the rest of the day. If anyone still reads this blog, is this fair at all? I feel terrible that my mother pays money for me to live in these dorms when I can't even live decently, I love this school I just hate the dude I share with.

The guy I was talking to last night at the desk is the homie, and I'm living with him over the summer. I explained all my problems with this guy and he was just like "This summer is gonna be so good, that you're gonna forget all the bullshit that came with having a roommate freshman year" And that's real. Peace

Edit: Dude just woke up at 4 PM because I just came into to fold my laundry. He propped himself up, turned on star trek and started eating gold fish without changing into new clothes, taking a shower, washing his face, brushing his teeth, anything. It's getting old though and I imagine anyone reading this blog is getting bored of me saying the same thing. He's like a broken record, how many times can you just sit, watch star trek, eat goldfish and guzzle a Barqs?! I think it's more than just how gross he is, it's the redundancy of his life that repulses me.

Fuck My Life

2008-04-13T20:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a month since I've touched this thing and I honestly can't tell you why I'm sitting here typing up a big load of crap. I've been meaning to update this blog for a while but every time I thought about doing it I just got angry and went outside to lay by the pool, or I remembered that nobody reads it anyways so why the hell am I wasting my time. At the end of this school year I'm probably going to be so fed up with everything I was just put through that I'll just delete it and pretend it all never happened.

So here I am, it's a quarter to nine in the PM and I'm typing this to you in the dark. I had a friend visit this weekend but she didn't get to meet my roommate because he was asleep every time she came by. Yesterday it was 88 degrees outside and there were no vacant lounge chairs at the pool because half of FT had gotten drunk and brought a raft down. My roommate slept until 3 30 PM. I'm all for sleeping, but he literally woke up, rolled over to his computer, starting playing a game and then 2 hours later rolled back onto his bed to watch star wars and one of it's sequels while eating tortilla chips. Speaking of eating, I think he's finally getting fat. His face looks like it's filling out, but it might just be because of the jesus beard. I also say he's getting fat because only in the last week or so has he started to snore. Last weekend it was so bad that I had a pillow over my head and it still sounded like he was snoring in my head. I left the room to see if anyone was around to hear it but everyone was asleep. I went back to my door and I stopped to listen in because I could hear him through my door. It was like being in hell. SO I did was any self respecting man would do and I came back in the room, flicked the lights real quick, and banged around till he woke up and all was solved....till he started again at 8 in the morning. He also snores like a castrated animal, it's really high pitched and a little faint and then it just hits you like wham. This morning he was doing it and all I could do was yell "Shut the fuck upppppp" because it was that bad. I sat up and realized why he was snoring though, it's because he's asleep on his back with his hands folded behind his head. Like you would be doing if you were chilling on a beach towel or something, what a piece of shit right?

Next I got this problem with the windows because he's always sleeping and his bed is pushed up right in front of em so he's kind of like master in command of the windows, or the window guardian or something. Last night I got home a little inebriated and hot so I open the windows to get a nice breeze and I feel really good as I fall into my slumber. Only shit is that roomie gets off work at 5 am and when he comes home he closes them shits up proper so I wake up all parched and burning up because our room is like a sauna and the blackout shades are absorbing the 85 degree sun rays, plus it's black as hell in the room and i just want to go into the pool but the sunlight isnt too friendly to the remnants of Olde English still in my system from last night...Now it's 9:15 and this guy has been asleep since 6 or 7 even though he woke up from last night at 2. Basically he's been up for 4 hours the whole day and he left the windows open and it's cold as shit but I can't do anything about it because fixing the situation would mean I have to get on his bed and close them shits up, and I'm trying to stay as far away as possible from him and his bed. I have one question though, when you go to sleep at 7 PM and don't wake up until 10 PM, how do you know when to go to bed again? His day is so fucked up, he hasn't showered, hasn't brushed his teeth, hasn't eaten anything but some tortilla chips and a squirt and hasn't changed out of the clothes he went to sleep in last night. Plus, he started this new thing where he's like clearing his throat or something and it just sounds like he's spitting loogies in his mouth over and over again and he does it for minutes at a time. I don't want to hear that shit, take it to the bathroom if you ever use it ever in your life. FUck, I'm going to sleep, I'm so fed up cause dude ruined my weekend. God, it was amazing though, this school tops anything I've ever seen. And yes, drinking on the beach is legal FYI.

My Roommate is Officially Nocturnal

2008-03-16T16:14:00.001-07:00

Hello there. Finals aren't over, in fact they haven't started but I'm posting out of necessity and I just don't feel like reading chem right now. It's sunday, the last weekend before spring break and it's over already. I must say, I love going to the dining hall on saturday and sunday mornings just to look at everyone. You see all these people out in IV dolled up having a great time the night prior and then at brunch everyone looks like zombies who got their asses kicked by the night before. It's pretty funny. The only reason I hate brunch is because all anyone ever talks about is how much they drank and how much of it they threw up. (One track mind anyone?)

Anyways, back to the point of this post. Last night I went out and drank a lot of green beer. I was excited to try it until I looked on the side of the keg and saw that it said "Natural Light". And then once I tried it I was bummed because the sour urine after taste that natty light is known for now tasted like sour urine and food dye. Plus the shit turns your mouth all green too, it's disgusting. I love that I went out with 6 girls (6:1 ratio) and I still got shit for going in parties. Maybe it was because I wasn't wearing my "Kiss me I'm irish t shirt" like every jerk off at the frat party. I'm sorry that your game is screen printed on the front of your t shirt, and in the bottom of that red cup. Actually now I'm all off topic again...

So after eating a festive pile of nachos (lettuce, guacamole and jalapenos) I passed out in an empty room at about 2 in the AM, maybe later. Then I got woken up by my roommate at 5:30 in the morning as he came home from being on duty. My head was buzzing pretty good and I just wanted to get back to sleep. Then this guy gets in bed and starts watching the fucking television. I'm in my REM sleep cycle and this guy is just getting to back episodes of star trek after getting off work. I piled the covers on top of me and pretended like nothing was happening, but of course this just made me really hot since the liquid blanket from earlier hadn't worn off yet. Sleep.

I woke up at around 11:30 and caught brunch, which he slept through. He woke up around 1 to get some PSP playing time in, but he never left from under the covers. Now it's 4:30 and he's back asleep with the black out shades drawn. And people wonder why I'm never in my room. It's a beautiful day outside but he'll never see it. I don't really care though, he doesn't deserve to enjoy it. Peace all.

Narcaleptic?

2008-03-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

800 - Woke Up
830 - Left to catch the bus
1015 - Got back from chem
1130 - Woke up from nap and showered
1200 - Ate lunch
1230 - Caught bus to class
140 - Just got home

My roommate hasn't moved. It's 1:40 and he's still just lying on his back half asleep, yawning, stretching and and groaning because he sleeps on a boxspring. 2nd quarter almost done, only 1 left. I don't want it to go by so fast but at the same time I can't wait to move the fuck out. See you after finals.

A Little Pictorial

2008-02-24T23:00:00.001-08:00

You might remember what my trash can looked like.....

But this is what the average college student's trash can looks like...

3 40s and a case of beers = twisteddddd

Sorry the pictures are sideways, I give up. Peace

The Big Bang

2008-02-21T12:50:00.000-08:00

So yesterday when I blogged, I blogged too soon. Not more than an hour after I posted did roommate man walk back into the dorm. I'm looking at him right now, he's sleeping, and it's almost 1 P.M. Has he gone to class today? No. Has he gone to class before today? No, because he was home. Will he go to class tomorrow, if only to say that he went to school "this week"? No, I'll put money on that. Because Fridays are holy and must be observed by sleeping until the dining hall closes for lunch, leaving the blinds closed as to say "fuck you sun" for the majority of the day and then reveling in gallons of orange/cream soda. I hate this kid.

But to get to the true point of my post, last night everything changed. He came back, we silently said hello to each other and went about our business. You can call me a creep for this but sometimes I just like looking over and seeing what he's googling and doing on the internet. Usually he's downloading anime movies or learning useless facts that he can spout off at people in order to increase his asshole quotient. Last night I glanced over and notice in the search box it said "Knitting patterns". I'm thinking what the hell, is this guy into some really weird pornographic subgenre I haven't heard of yet or is he trying to make like granny right now. I thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and just go back to what I was doing. Which was ignoring him. Then I leave for a min to play guitar hero and I walk back in my room and it's like all the forces in the universe had just collided. There he was. Under the covers, watching star trek, guzzling cola, and knitting. Knitting. You still with me? Knitting a fucking scarf. This was just on a whole other level, I didn't even know how to comprehend it, this kid is truly the anomaly of anomalies. One of the better parts of the night was when the ups man came knocking. Mind you, this is one of the burliest, hard ass motherfuckers to ever work for UPS. Chuck norris has nothing on this guy. He's got a fatty moustache, dark eyes with red hair, beef brisket arms that tear the seams of his short sleeved shirt and shorts even when it's storming outside. This guy even scares me. He comes to deliver a package and goes by our room and shithead gets it because I'm in the hallway and the UPS man just goes "Not shy about knitting are ya?" and I think roomie said something slick, or maybe nothing at all because his tongue has finally degenerated into a 3rd useless tonsil due to the fact that he has no intelligent thoughts that he needs to convey to any one else. Then I went to sleep and he just kept watching star trek. I guess all that klingon wore him out because he just approached the 12 hour mark on his sleep cycle. Does anybody know how much sleep is to much? Not that I'm worried or that I'm going to help him, just for my own knowledge....

-Peace

Edit: He is approaching 2 o clock ladies and gentlemen. This has to be some sort of record! I don't even sleep this late ever, even if I'm quaffing 40s for hours the night before.

It's been a while....

2008-02-20T13:43:00.000-08:00

If my calendar is correct it's been like a week and a half since I last updated this thing. Last week had 2 midterms, a quiz, an interview and a whole bunch of other shit then top that off with 3 days of debauchery....yeah, not much time for the blog-o-sphere. There's my intro.

We had a 3 day weekend for president's day (what up ben-jammin) and my roommate decided to go home on Sunday afternoon ... and he hasn't returned yet. He told me he would be back on tuesday but that came and went and now I'm just living it up and going to sleep whenever I want and walking around naked and blasting music and dancing in front of the mirror. No homo. Only thing is, he left his computer here and his TV, so I figure he'll be coming back eventually which saddens me a great deal. Although I'm sure he's at home building a new computer as we speak because the graphics card he is running right now came out in november and that's soooo far behind. When you play RPGs you need to have the graphics running on max, because when you do that it's almost like you're actually in the game. And when you have no life outside the one you built online, I can see why you'd need the graphics card boost.

My roommate next year (Austin - MY BOY) was bugging roomie for the past 2 weeks about switching rooms with him. See Austin rooms with an uber douchebag much like myself (we have a lot in common) except his roommate is never around because he's so cool that he'd rather drink 40s and do coke and then pass out in his boyfriends bed on campus. I feel bad for Austin because given that this guy pisses him off so much that he wants to leave even though he's never around means he has to be an super shithead. I wouldn't know though, I've never talked to him. He was only around one night long enough to throw up on the carpet in the hall and then pass out in his bed. He had to leave his mark or something, unfortunately for us his mark left a stench that lasted a week and had to be cleaned up by the cleaning staff with wood chips, detergent and possible radiation (I'm not 100% on the last one). Back to the point of all this, Austin nudgingly asked my roommate if he was interested in switching because I don't talk to the kid, austin doesn't talk to his roommate and austin and I are living together next year so why the hell not. Well, even though austin told him he'd help him move all his stuff (TV, Computer, sheep skin blanket, cream soda etc) roomie still shut him down. He told the RA like "If austin doesn't want to live with him, why would I?" Which makes sense, but I also think it's out of spite and because we both live with assholes. Ah hell, I guess it's better this way anyways. If he did move out I'd have to delete this blog....and then I'd actually have to go do my math homework. Vector spaces anyone?

-Peace

Disgusting, in more ways than one

2008-02-05T12:21:00.000-08:00

Whats up fam. I don't even know where to begin. I'm sitting here at my desk and it's now 12:22 P.M. I've been up since 8:30 and have gone to two classes with another still pending. Shithead sitting next to me is still in bed and has been since late last night. I shut the lights off at my own accord around 1 A.M. while he continued to play video games on the computer. I think the programmers created these games to be anticlimactic and extremely lengthy. It's called an RPG, or a Role Playing Game. It's kind of sad when you don't even have a life to live though, and the only one you live is on the screen. It's all this point and click shit with animated characters and spells and all that jazz. It's really annoying though when he has to buy 10,000 dollars in virtual money of some invisibility potion or whatever and he just has to sit there clicking and clicking incessantly. At least he finally turned the sound off. The character battles were just killing me. He would fight like 3 people at the same time so it would play the same noise, over and over, times 3. And then those sounds would overlap and I would want to shoot myself. And then that Rihanna song came on his iTunes and I went into the bathroom and tried to drown myself in the toilet bowl. Unfortunately they're trying to conserve water around here so they have low flush toilets installed and I couldn't submerge my face all the way. Needless to say, it didn't work.

Then I found something that made me want to throw up. Even more than the last post about the donut holes, the cinnamon gummi bears, the monster energy drinks and the kit kats. This is on another level, this was done intentionally to gross me out. On sunday night I return to my room around 10:30 PM and find monkey brains lying down on his bed vegging out with this Dominoes sunday special. Oh, what is the sunday special you ask? Well, it's not technically on the menu, and I think my roommate used the little brain power he posses to create it all on his own. Perhaps that's because no one in their right mind would compile such a repulsive, unpalatable, and vomitous list of pizza toppings. Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you...the most disgusting thing I've even seen...

And with that, I'm going to attempt to stomach dinner because I'm at a loss for words. Peace.

Oh yeah, it's super Tuesday. Get out there and change the world. Thanks.

Can't say I didn't do my part

Edit: As of 9 o clock tonight roomie is officially passed out with the sink light on. I guess all that right wing elitist banter he was spewing out to any one who felt like entering my room just tired him out. Tired him so much that he couldn't even make it 100 feet to our designated polling place to support someone on the republican ticket. Oh wait, he said he doesn't even care who wins, as long as someone running for the Republican party is in the final race. That's who he is voting for, no ifs ands or buts. I would reiterate the didactic repartee that occurred in my room earlier, but I zoned out and stopped listening because his entire life means nothing to me and therefore the things that come out of his mouth mean even less. Goodnight to all.

Double Re(mix):edit: It's a quarter to midnight, poohead is woke up at some point and is now watching jackass. He got a pizza from woodstocks and finished it off with this...

A personal pan cinnapizza

I've had a slice or two before and it's good, but only in moderation. Unfortunately, I don't think that word is in dudes vocabulary. He has to have a death wish I swear. It just doesn't make sense any other way. Okay I'm done with the edits and stuff. I need to get something done.

2008-02-03T14:57:00.000-08:00

The super bowl hasn't even started yet and I hate it already. Who's idea was it to have a montage of a bunch of football players, television personalities, firefighters and policeman reciting the declaration of independence? Emmitt Smith? Ladanian Tomlinson? Is this what happens when you lose in the playoffs? I just want to watch football, save all this bullshit for the political debates.

New and Improved: With Pictures

2008-02-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

What up fam. I don't know where I'm going with this one, I just know I have some stores to tell and some pictures to post. Last week was a standard 5 day week but it felt like it dragged on forever. So then the weekend came and I had a few natural lights and kicked it and slept late and all that good stuff. I went out last night with Gordon and these two girls, but we lost him real early in the night. I'm talking like 5 minutes after we entered the party. The girls felt bad and wanted to find him, but they just don't understand the inner workings of mantank, I was happy he left us. Just to be sure though, I called him up and in his slurred vernacular he told me "I'm going back to ft with this chick...I'm bout to fuuuck". I felt bad for the poor girl who had fallen at the hands of Gordo's huge rack and his baby gap tee. But then again, who wouldn't wanna bone this dude?

The second picture is one of those pictures you save and show your grand kids and tell em how you lived in the same house with that dude. He was so excited about the 90 dollars worth of alcohol he bought that he asked me if I would take a picture of him with it. When I told him it was hard to frame the shot, he just went into a pushup position without me even asking. Yeah, that's the dude you wanna bone on a friday night.

I told you that my roommate began his job as a CSO. Of course I did, I was so excited that was going to be out of the room for more then 30 seconds at a time. The first night was sweet because he just left at 10 pm and didn't come back until 3 am. I was almost starting to like CSOs, but not really at all. Then the next night He neglected to tell me that he in fact when ON duty at 3 am. So his alarm went off at 2:30 and I'm all whacked out because I don't know if I have class in 20 minutes because the blinds are always closed anyways so you can't ever tell when time it is and then I look up and he's like saying bye to his online buddies and my head is about to explode because I don't know why anyone would be depriving themselves of sleep just to play an RPG. Last night I talk to him, but that was just because I was leaned off a few drinks and I didn't care, and I wanted some entenmanns donut holes that he bought. Don't think I'm depriving him of nutrition, believe me, he had plenty to eat...

I'm not hungover or anything, but looking at that picturre makes me want to yack, right now. That's two boxes of entenmann's donut holes, a monster (plus a few more cans on his desk), a big bag of cinnamon gummibears and 2 big packages of kit kats, like so big I don't know where he got these joints. The monster thing is quite weird to me but I suppose I don't need to even point out the blatant irony that comes with a recluse, computer game playing, lying under the covers tv watcher who downs monsters right before he brushes his teeth. I'll leave the witty satire to you guys. Now, me and my roomie may have differing opinions about what exactly qualifies as a fun Friday night; but I woke up this morning and found this....

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMNNNNNNNNNN. I thought waking up to a room full of empty beer cans and condom wrappers was crazy but fuck, when this guy gets down he GETS THE FUCK DOWN, word to james brown rip. It's like he's just eating all this stuff and telling all those morbidly obese people who can't get out of their beds, "Hey, I have a high metabolism so fuck you! I'm gonna eat my self in an extremely high bloodsugar induced coma because the weight certainly isn't getting packed on!!!" I suppose you need 192 grams of fat and almost 2 days worth of calories in the form of butter and sugar to give you the energy needed for a 5 hour long night of work. A night which consists of walking drunk people home and listening to them blab, then patrolling a few residence halls and telling people to keep it down, and then of course getting angry when you see an illegally parked bike and realize all you can really do is put a sticky note that says you bike is illegally parked. Because afterall, how are you going to impound a bike when the only way you can get around is to bike yourself? This guys middle name should be irony. And my middle name should be hungry, because that's what I am. Hope you enjoyed our time together, catch you later. Peace

Sorry folks, no pictures

2008-01-31T20:05:00.001-08:00

So, I'm studying for my chemistry midterm tomorrow and I thought I'd take a break from reading between the chapter on enthalpy and the chapter on entropy. Now that I'm here I have to come up with something to write but of course that's not a problem when you live with my roommate, it's like he comes up with the stuff for me to write! He should be somebody's muse, he'd be a hell of a lot more productive than he is now. I know what you're thinking, this guy has given you stuff to write about for 3 months now, why don't you just keep him? Ummm, I have 16 more weeks with the kids, I think that would qualify as him overstaying his welcome in my life. Thank you very much.

So he started his CSO job last night. The one I described as being paid to be a douchebag. It's almost as legit as being a mall security cop, except those guys carry guns, or atleast things that look like guns. Oh, they have badges too, I never bothered to go up close and see what they say, but they have badges on. If a CSO sees some illegal activity, then he'll call back up in the form of IV Foot Patrol, the troopers who walk up and and down DP and hassle you if you look like you've had too much to drink or if you're carrying an inconspicuous water bottle etc etc. Then, if IVFP catches you doing something illegal, then they have to call Santa Barabara police because they actually have cars and work out of something a little more substantial than a room of cubicles conveniently located next to freebirds. So long story short, if you ever get stopped by CSOs for being drunk, don't fret because you'll probably spend more time on the curb than in the drunk tank. After all, calling back up who has to call back up takes time. So basically, CSOs are on the very bottom of the food chain, only one rung above your little brother who walks around with the plastic handcuffs you got him for christmas and wants to play cops and robbers.

Sorry about the long winded explanation. It really sounds like the perfect job for him, plus I even get something out of it. Last night was his first shift and he was gone from 10 P.M. till 3 A.M.. No mother....I didn't do what you think I did! I went to sleep at 10 o clock because catching up on sleep over the weekends is just something that doesn't happen around here. I ended up waking up a few times during the night which never happens to me, I think it was because it was so quiet. I could hear myself sleeping, and that was just too much. I woke up at 1 AM, and then sometime after 2, and every time I would look across the room to see an open bed. I thought maybe he wasn't coming back, but that was just wishful thinking because this bitch came home round 3 o clock with his SICK ASS 150 DOLLAR COSTCO BIKE BRO. I was thinking about asking him how the job was, until I realized that I thoroughly don't care one bit about anything that goes on in his life and then I looked at the clock at it was 10:05 and he was still sleeping so I said fuck it and went to class. Then I got back from class at 3:30 and my room was dark and I was about to throw a book at him and tell him to wake the fuck up until I realized he was just watching anime cartoons and eating goldfish out of the bag (not even pouring a few on his desk) with the blinds closed to the point where it's like pitch black but also 110 degrees of smoldering bed sheets and cheese fingers. I almost gagged.

He is in my chemistry class and I really don't know if he's aware of the midterm that we have tomorrow. I hope he doesn't wake up just so he can fail out this school and leave me with a peaceful single room. Then anytime you guys want to come and kick it, I have a free bed. You just have to bring your own sheets, and maybe your own mattress. After all my roomie's been lying in it for 15 weeks now like he was dying on it.

Hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable weekend. I think this weekend I'm leaning a little more towards the enjoyable side. Peace

Happy 24th Baby Boy

2008-01-30T00:03:00.000-08:00

More substantial post to come, I swear. I just wanted to quick shout out my boy Eric for having this blog on his RSS feed because it's that important. He just turned 24 so he's officially a man now in my book, even though I feel like if you were there the day I got my first pubic hair and asked me if I wanted a cold beer, that would make you a man. I don't know if it happened exactly like that, but E-rock, this goes out to you.

Midterms start this week, I just slaved over a job application for the summer up here at UCSB and me and some people signed a lease for a spot to live next year. It's gonna get hectic. To make it easier since some people have been asking, here is where it is. And no, you can't stay for halloween.

and not to bitch anymore but roomie is still doing what he does best. Absolutely nothing. Apparently he is in my chemistry class, but I wouldn't know that because he has never gone to it, not even last friday when we had a quiz. that the teacher sent emails about. I was going to start a tally of how many days he goes to class vs how many days he ditches, but it probably would have been too depressing. Plus I don't know if he actually goes to class when he leaves the building, my guess is that he's just sitting inside his car wacking off to the leather seats that 19 grand got him. It's almost nostalgic to think back to the first week of school and he was telling anyone who would listen that he "Needs a job because he's so used to working 40 hours a week" and that if he's not working he just doesn't know what to do with himself...You think he could at least find time to shave the face pubes more than once a month. And as I've said previously how I hate the stupid, demeaning t shirts he wears with the stretched out collars (because he sleeps in them, not because he has a beef brisket neck), someone really needs to buy him this shirt, it would just complete the whole useless thing he's got going on...

You're not going to enjoy it when you wake up one day after falling asleep with a box of oreos on your chest and you can't get your fat ass up because you ate yourself immobile and you're just stuck to the mattress because you wanted to save money and not buy a matress pad so you could get the 6 speaker upgrade in your car so that when you drive me to school euro trance sounds like it's bumping from inside my head. When don't you just go wake up at noon everyday even though you have class at 9 three days a week, and leave the window and blinds closed while you're at it so when I come home it smells like someone set off an explosion of BO in my room. And you can't smell it because you have a stuffy nose because you're just perpetually sick due to the fact that you have no immune system because you haven't been outside in 3 years and every disease that your body has learned to fight off has gotten stronger and that's why you shut all the doors. Because having friendships can be fun, but they can also get you sick.

This my life, my existence.

Thats a crosshair on the screen back there. If you look in my eyes you can see a little piece of me dying too, you gotta look close though

Goodnight guys.

2008-01-25T00:06:00.001-08:00

So basically 17 units doesn't let up, that's why I haven't been on here as of late. Plus my hard drive decided to say "fuck you" while I was backing all my files up and so I had to start from scratch. Other than that life is good up in Santa Barbara, but room 1214 is still shitty (that's my room). This week I had this cough that just lingered and lingered and I felt like an asshole sitting in my discussion section listening to people talk about the importance of gender in chicana history while I hacked and wretched over their opinions. I feel like I might have caught the bug from this weekend, which was 3 days long, props to MLK (and jose cuervo). Mommy says I should lay low this weekend which I'll probably do, but you never really know how the weekend pans out till it's here. Me and my homies got a place to live next year so I kind of have to pop open the bottle of patron...

In shittier news, I woke up on monday and saw that it was pouring outside. Worse than it has ever rained in L.A. Oh, whats that? You don't believe me?

That's god being like "Yeah, I'm gonna piss on you all week"

Don't even make me break out the doppler snap shot, it's just depressing. Moms told me we got 4.5 inches yesterday alone. You know what though? Ain't all bad, I swear girls still find ways to wear booty shorts, they just don't let up.

Back to the matter at hand though, my boy, my roomie, my road dog. He started playing music while he kills people online and it's all off his iTunes. Now I know not everyone can be rocking 45XX songs of various genres like yours truly, but this dude literally has (excluding every system of a down album ever made) 10 songs in his iTunes, and they're all mad random. You ready?

Rihanna - Don't stop the music
Daft Punk - Technologic
Ok Go - Here it goes
Men without hats - safety dance
Cascada - Everytime we touch

Okay so I lied about there being 10, there's only 5. The best part is that he puts it on shuffle, but like, that doesn't do anything when you're only working with 5 songs.

I'mma get back to this over the weekend, it's half past midnight and I have a chem test tomorrow morning at 9 in the AM. Before I leave though I'll leave you with this anecdote and a few pictures from the weekend. So the weekend before last was just a random weekend in IV where me and the homies had some drinks and wandered around looking for house parties. We rolled up on one that was pretty, shall I say, "crackin". Long story short, I end up dancing with this shorty (homegirl was like 4'11", I put that on my momma) who is challenged in the balance department. I know I wasn't that drunk but she had me stumbling all over the place. I just decide to post up on a speaker so I dont have to worry about looking sloppy, plus I can give my legs a little rest. I don't know if we were dancing for a long time, or if she was just grinding me up against the speaker extra hard or what but I'll tell you, when I woke up in the morning, I had 2 big raw spots on either one of my ass cheeks. I tried to take a shower and they burned. The next day they got all scabbed up but my shit still hurt. She told me she goes to USC so I'll probably never see her again, but when I do, I'mma get 'er back. and that's real. Here's the pics....

Keystone and a random beezy

When the roommate is away.....

basically we gonna have a party in my room, bottomline

Actually that's all the pics I have for now. Enjoy. Peace

If it's not one thing, it's another...

2008-01-08T21:42:00.001-08:00

Merry 2008 peoples. I'll be without a computer for the next week as my macbook goes out to Cutino CA or where ever Apple is located for a replacement hard drive...Yup, hard drive went caput. I wanna be mad at apple, but it ain't their fault. I guess I just want to be mad at something.

Oh hey what do you know? I moved back in with my roommate! There's something to be mad about! After 3 peaceful weeks at home I moved back into our slighty renovated and newly named dorm, "The Santa Catalina Ocean Towers". I suppose "Fuck Towers" wasn't a very endearing nickname for F.T....It's too bad too, this place is gonna suck now. When was the last time a name change did something good? Puff Daddy was Golden. But P Diddy? More like P Shitty.

So back to the man of the hour. Did he have a good break? I don't know, I really don't care. I don't talk to this guy and he don't talk to me. I'd have it no other way. I'm beginning to suspect that his new years resolution was something about giving up the World 'o Warcraft and doing something productive with his life. Well I guess he succeeded, Warcraft is gone. But of course that's only because he got some other game that will get all his attention and suck all the decency and humanity and priveldge out of this turd. Call of Duty 4 is the name of the game. He doesn't really play games though, he lives them. As of 9:51 PM tonight, he is on (according to my unofficial mental clock) hour 6 of his marathon session. I just sit here in bed on the homie's laptop while I watch this skeleton skinny lump squint and bug out his eyes as if to get inside the television and during respawns he wipes his finger inside a near empty pudding cup. Sorry buddy, but Jello didn't hide salvation in the bottom of that cup.

Last night he was on another tour of duty for god knows how long, I attempted to go to sleep around midnight. The haziness that ensued somewhere between being awake and passing out was broken up intermiteently by exclamations such as "Code Blue!", "They're flanking!" and "That noob is a puss!" It sounded like german troops were storming my dorm room, air strikes and all. At a quarter to two I told him to call it quits, I was feeling sick and I think it was the xbox live that was doing it to me. He managed to get up for class at 8 am too, although I shouldn't really be too surprised - his "time in bed" quota is way past complete, I'm surprised this guy doesn't run around during the night when everyone is asleep.

I'm about to get my life straightened out and hit the sheets but I'll leave you with this. Roomie managed to hobble himself down to the dining hall today (I don't know if he actually hobbles, I'm just guessing, I've never seen him take more than 5 paces) and bring back A HALF A BOX OF COOKIES from the dining hall. No joke, just stacked up on his desk like pringles. I guess a good soldier needs to stay fed!

Last post of 07

2007-12-20T14:54:00.000-08:00

So I realize I've probably lost all my readership on this thing since it's been over a week since my last post. I don't really care though, thats on you guys. I started my 3 weeks of winter break on friday and so I haven't had much interaction with lump since then (not to say that I had a ton while I was in school). I've decided to leave you all with this little anecdote before I start enjoying my vacation and sleeping in my room. alone.

My roommate is a bit like a child, as if you couldn't imagine. He needs a babysitter. You know how parents get baby sitters for their kids so they don't watch cartoons and eat oreos all day? Exactly. See with him it's like I go to class and when I come home I'm always surprised at what I find. It's like, oh hey buddy, how have you wasted the day? what kind of unproductive and wasteful activity have you gotten yourself into?! That's the roomie I know!

So anyways, I think this one happened on a weekend. Little preface here, the girls who live across the hall have kind of taken him in. When I say "taken him in" I mean it exactly how you think I mean it, like when some kind people take care of a stray animal who is usually a piece of shit with no manners or consideration. Damn, I made that analogy up as I went along and it's spot on! Back to the story. These girls are nice, I don't know why they waste their time with this guy, maybe because he gives them answers to homework? Except that couldn't be true because he's never done homework before....hmmm. I came home from somewhere and he's sitting watching something on the computer and he's got a mohawk looking like a half breed. He's like that kid who goes to the family values tour and then plops down in the back because he's too lazy to mosh and the sound hurts his ears. I don't know why I said he's like that - he is that kid.

This was a special occasion apparently because he actually left the building and drove his car to downtown santa barbara with these girls. God how I wish I could have been blessed to sit in that car enjoying awkward, demeaning conversation and a man reeling off snapple cap facts as if they held some merit. What left the building that day was not the same thing that returned. Mind you, this kid wore the same rotation of 5 shirts during the week (fyi, the week has 7 days in it), rarely did laundry and took naps with his shoes on. He was what I found...

Costume change ≠ Change of character

I wish I had a full body shot, I really do. He's wearing:

Track jacket that matches some Aqua VIIIs
White and purple block stripe shirt
Skinny black levis
High top chucks
...oh boy

I walked in and he had his head down, he said something along the lines of this... (he always does this actually. He asks some mindless rhetorical question that I can't answer because I don't care. And then he seems to have a counter response. Can you even do that? Like logically?)

"What did they do to me?"

I had it. I was like "Son, they didn't do anything. You're the one who spent 3 bills on clothes you don't like. Man up." Okay, so maybe it didn't come out exactly like that, but it was certainly along those lines. This shit got me thinking, what is going on in his head? He wears walmart blue light special jeans with some hand me down tees from his mom daily, how are you gonna switch up your style all drastic like? Are you a hipster now? What would jesus say? What would Serj from system of a down have to say? Are you appeasing these girls across the hall? Because I can tell you they honestly don't care what you look like, you're just a barbie doll to them. Calling you ken would be giving you wayyy too much credibility because that's my boy.

Honestly, I have to leave on that note. Dwelling on this topic is making me uneasy. I even had to go to the kid's facebook to get the picture and I saw some pictures of a get together he had in his hometown called the forest (or was it middle earth? I forgot). I'm out of here, hope everyone has a safe and merry holiday. As for me, I'm gonna take notes from my roomie and sit on the couch. All muthafuckin day.

Pizza #2

2007-12-12T01:14:00.000-08:00

He probably figured since it was 2X tuesday it was only right to get a pizza. Or two. And then eat it. All to himself. With the door, and windows closed and then put the remaining scraps in my fridge. So not only do my apples smell like chicken and onions, but the entire room smells like cheese grease. Lowkey, I think it's just mixing with his stench too. He hasn't shaved in weeks but I don't think he's the type to do it for fashion, I think he is just too lazy to break out that little fucking shaver he uses. Which is pretty pathetic considering it does all the work for you. At the same time, I guess I should be pretty happy because one time I came home and caught him using it; while he was walking around the room. Like son, I know housekeeping comes once a week, but don't dump your facepubes all over my godforsaken floor. Maybe since he's mad religious he's just going for the jesus look. Unfortunately for him jesus wasn't a douche bag.

As if things couldn't get more ridiculous...

2007-12-09T23:20:00.000-08:00

Finals week started today (if you consider a week to go from sunday to saturday). I've been doing work most of the week, the study room is packed full like it's never been before and I have finals on thursday and friday that I don't think I'm going to pass. Roomie has finals, but I guess he doesn't have to study for them or something. First it was the anime, and he watched a lot of it. Like so much that I feel like I might even know what's going on in season 5 of "Gundam". Today I guess he got his iTunes working or maybe he just remembered that he liked music. Well, that's what he calls it. As if everything about him couldn't get any worse, I come to find out that his favorite genre of music is "Death Metal". Specifically, System of a Down. Now, I remember buying their CD when I was in like 5th grade, and either they got really bad, or my taste in music changed a lot for the better. It's some terrible music. Because as if finals didn't want to make me kill myself enough, I have music playing with the word "death" in the title of it's genre. He's also been playing halo 3 for the past couple hours. I think he opted not to go to dinner because of it. So know he's listening to death metal and killing people on the internet. Wonderful. Meanwhile I'm looking over ideal gas equations and molarities while bumping that Miles Davis - Kind of Blue album like jazz is going out of style. I'm not religious by any means but he is. So I have one question: is this really where you want to be when Jesus comes back?

Aside: I've gotten several messages from distraught readers due to my classification of System of a Down as death metal. I just want to say, I don't discriminate; it all sounds like shit to me.

I keep telling myself this is going to get old...

2007-12-06T16:13:00.000-08:00

But no. My boy has been sick for the last 4 days. I don't know if it's any coincidence that he's also ditched class for the last 4 days. It's called "dead week" because everyone is busying studying, not because you're supposed to pretend that you're deceased and so you stay in bed for 15+ hours at a time. Yesterday he fooled me! Get this, he woke up at 8:30 because he has class at nine, he gets dressed brushes his teeth (normal human stuff) then I leave to go to class. I return home around 10 and he is...wait for it....playing computer games. Okay, so it wasn't so much of a shock and didn't need to build up but you get the point. Then he takes a nap around 10:30...perplexing isn't it? Wakes up around noon, mills about for an hour or so, then he's back asleep at 2 o clock! Here's where it gets fuzzy, at some point he managed to watch all of "Pirates of the Caribbean 3" and then be back in bed by 6 pm. His sleep schedule is so complicated I can't track it even when i write it all down! I think on tuesday he managed to watch 2 full length movies...like double feature status. Maybe I shouldn't use the word manage, that implies that there was some degree of difficulty in watching these 2 films. No, there was no effort extended in this practice. I don't even think he cared about one of them because he was watching anime with the volume up while the movie was going...geez.

So back to today, the 4th day in a row that he hasn't gone to class. Because he hasn't gone to class I also think that it's the 4th day in a row he hasn't left our room, save the one time he made an appearance in the dining hall. I thought to get sick you had to catch it from someone. But if he hasn't had any human interaction for 4 days and I'm good and healthy, is he just deteriorating? Yesterday he managed to watch anime from like 7 PM until 2 A.M. While watching cartoons I witnessed him consume:

A package of Reeses
A Snickers Bar
A bag of peanut M&Ms
AND
A Hersheys chocolate bar with almonds

I ran down to the gym as fast as I could. When he isn't watching anime or sleeping, he's watching TV in bed with the covers up. But he watches shit like "World's scariest police videos" and just about every piece of programming that comes on spike TV. He used to watch star trek but I think he is sick of it because he has viewed every episode. ever.

I'll leave you guys with a picture I took the other day and a small conclusion.

This is what I saw when I walked in at 5 PM. He is asleep with all the lights on and I think he might have been wearing shoes too....I wasn't even in the room, he's just a hibernating turd.

And maybe you think it's creepy that I take pictures of my sleeping roommate. But people look at pictures of naked children on the internet, I think I'm a little better off.

Anyways, living with this self certified genius has made me realize one thing. The guy with 90% of the brains and 10% of the effort is just as well off as the guy with 10% of the brains and 90% of the effort. You can go around telling people how smart you are all you want, but if you watch mindless television all day and sleep 60 percent of your life away, it doesn't mean anything. College credits don't count for shit in life.

Oh yeah, HI GRANDMA, LOVE YOU!

Easy Mac from HELL

2007-12-04T23:11:00.001-08:00

After working on my paper for Writing 2 all night I walked into the dorm to be hit with the pungent smell of...eww..is that easy mac? Well, there wasn't any Easy Mac left, but the remnants of it were staring at me when I went to brush my teeth:

That was last night. I just moved it to the right side of the sink so I could live and I'm thinking "I know he's not waiting for me to deal with it". Apparently he was though, because I came home from class at like 11 AM and it looked like this....

Right where I left it. You'd think he could put forth the effort he saved by making easy mac (hence the "easy") to clean up the dishes. No, scratch that. It's ONE dish that he dirtied up, no elbow grease required! I could lick that plate clean in the time it takes for his computer to boot up.

I suppose I can't really be mad at him for not cleaning it up. Afterall he did have a rough night. He was up until 1:30 AM! Oh wait, I was too because I can't really go to sleep unless the lights are off and it's quiet (as quiet as 38 kids on one floor can get). Then he woke up at 6:45 when his alarm went off to remind him that he had 8 AM class. I made it to mine, he chose to press the snooze button 5 times and eventually unplug the alarm clock. I came back from class to find this...

I went to breakfast to come back and find this....

Then took a nap around 11:15 and woke up at around 1 P.M. to find this...

No, I didn't mess up the pictures. This is my life. Just watching somebody be this lazy takes a toll on you. It was really hard to get to sleep when my nap time finally rolled around. See, dude is a snorer, but not like my dad snores. Well, for those who don't know my dad, I can hear it through the wall, and my mom ends up sleeping on the couch because she can't hear herself think in the same room. My roomie snores like if my dad was being smothered with a pillow. Like this drawn out muffled nasal thing. It almost sounds as if it's difficult for him to sleep and breathe at the same time. I know, multitasking is rough. Once I went back to sleep he promptly brought out the xbox and fired up some halo 3. The surround sound is dope. Not when I'm trying to get some damn shut eye though.

Then the elevator broke down with somebody in it and emergency teams came....

A lot of em....

Good night...

Just an average Monday!

2007-12-03T13:52:00.001-08:00

You ditched class and slept till noon. But somewhere in the back of your mind you thought maybe you'd go to class and for that reason you let your alarm go off and you hit the snooze button about 10 times between 7:30 and 8:30. You kept hitting it and going back to bed, I thought maybe this didn't make sense because I had just got up and I was a bit delirious but then I remembered that 99% of the shit you do doesn't make sense. Like going down to the dining hall to eat 2 pieces of pizza and then going to get dessert and returning with 12 cookies. Like honestly, why do you get 12 cookies from the dining hall when you make sure you have a box of double stuff oreos under your bed at all times? I know it's all you can eat, but that doesn't mean you should eat it all..

And ever since you came back from thanksgiving and you brought back some computer speakers you've been at liberty to broadcast whatever the fuck it is you listen to all throughout the room. In this case, it's japanese anime, in japanese. I'm trying to bump that Illmatic album and I just hear all this japanese gibberish but I can't do nothin about it because I'm not trying to catch a case. Eff.

Oh yeah, the other day I decided to take stock. Here's the run down. I'll leave it up to you guys to come up with caloric content and placement on the nutrition pyramid:

Easy mac ( 2 boxes, 6 servings each)
2 large bags of pretzels
3 boxes of microwave kettle korn
12 pack of cream soda
case of water
5 pomegranates (miracle fruit?)

He hasn't been to the market in a while but it looks like he's running low on the easy mac. I'll let you guys know when he re-ups.

And I just want to take a quick minute to comment on his choice of fruit. The man gets popcorn that all you have to do is pop in the microwave, macaroni and cheese with the word "Easy" right in the title and then he goes and buys pomegranates to eat? I like to eat fruit but damn, you just chose to buy the one fruit I refuse to eat. Indulging in one of those is like a test in ones patience. Now that I think about it though, if I got so bored with my life that I went to sleep when I wasn't even tired just to pass the time, I'd probably eat fruit that takes an hour minimum to eat too. I think he's been watching too many commercials or reading too many POM Wonderful ads about how magic the fruit is. Yes it has antioxidants in it. No it will not fight off the sluggish feeling you get from washing down a bag of pretzels with two cream sodas. Not even Copperfield can pull that.

I'm that dude...

2007-12-02T23:58:00.001-08:00

The dining hall looked pretty shitty tonight (because I check the menu online), so like we went out to get japanese food because we're multicultural. We were mad hungry so it was all gone in a matter of minutes and we're like why are we going to waste our dining hall meals? Mommy is paying for em and she wants me to be full! Me and the homegirl go down to the dining hall to genteely dine on some dessert and sip some coffee. Thankfully the dessert was squares of orange cake and the coffee was of the vanilla latte persuasion. We make it down there to find this....
Yes our dining hall is directly out of the "Saved by the Bell" sound stage. And yes that is a 5 piece jazz/lounge ensemble playing in the corner complete with Francisco Torres' own dining hall manager on keys and this dude playing the drums with some freakishly large bug eyes who suspiciously looked like the the guy playing the keys. Normally I'd be a dick and make some joke that would say something about the fact that this well rehearsed quintet made up of middle aged men is playing to a crowd of 18 year olds who are only concerned with gorging themselves so they don't get drunk too fast. And of course that they should re-evaluate their current position in life. Of course, as I said before, I had coffee after dinner, not haterade so I couldn't be mad (doggie). These guys were good. I was groovin, especially when they threw on the theme to "Sex and the City" that had my head knocking. Where's Carrie? Only in SB. These dudes were probably drunk or something.

Nappy Poo!

2007-12-02T16:20:00.000-08:00

Dude woke me up at noon. I didn't see him go to breakfast. Then he played mindless games on ebaumsworld.com for a few hours. Now it's 4:20 and he's back asleep. I wouldn't mind so much, but when he sleeps he curls up in a little ball like he's 4 years old and brings the covers all around his neck with his shiny little dome popping out of the top looking like a circumsized penis.

Hangover Eggs and Blog

2007-12-02T12:15:00.000-08:00

The best part about living in IV is that if you're super drunk and you want food, the restaurants are all open till sunrise. And then when you get there you don't have to feel embarrassed ordering while slurring your words because there's a really good chance that the person taking your order is pretty fucked up too. If I was stuffing pita bread sandwiches til 2 o clock in the morning please believe I'd be high as shit also (theoretically, I don't do the toke toke).

If you want to read about my last night with my roommate you can just read the last blog entry. Repeat performance, with the TV and everything.

So to anybody out there reading this, I want any and all of you to come stay with me. You might have to sleep on the floor but just show up. I don't wanna know when you're coming, I don't want my roomie to know you're coming. Let's just make it really random and never turn the TV off. Agreed?

It was 35 degrees out in IV last night. Thankfully I had my liquid blanket on. I looked that term up on urbandictionary.com but it was no where to be found, I'm starting to think it's just a Santa Barbara thing. A liquid blanket is the warm feeling you get after you hit a couple shots. This is how the majority of girls in IV can go out on the town wearing booty shorts and tank tops (because it looks cute, duhhh) pretending it's july, even though december just started yesterday.

Back to my roommate. This girl from down the hall told me about her run in with the kid the other night. She popped her head in and asked him if he knew where I was. He indignantly replied, "99% of the time people come in here and ask where Stefan is, they never want to know where I am or how I'm doing!" My friend politely asked how he was doing...."Fine, I don't know where Stefan is (as he remains fixed to the characters moving on his computer screen)" Buddy, let me help you out. Maybe nobody asks where you are because you're always in your bed? That's like asking where the TV is, even though it's been in the same spot for like 2 months now. That shit isn't moving. And people would ask you how you're doing, but to be honest, nobody cares. You say the same thing every time someone asks how you are and you're waaaay more interested in the people online than you are with the people you live with.

So that's that. One more week and my first quarter of college is done. Since I'm taking math this quarter, I'll tell you that I'm 1/12 done with school, or 8.33%. Dead week is after that and then I'll be in LA. Come look for me, I'll have the room to myself.

Three's Company

2007-12-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

If my roommate keeps pulling shit at this rate, I honestly don't know what he's gonna be putting me through by the end of the year. Last night I came in my room after dinner to find 4 dudes standing around looking at my stuff. They quickly scurried into my adjoining suitemates room. I asked a dude on my hall who they were and they said they are friends of my roommate. This statement left me quite puzzled. I always assumed my roommate was arrogant and had no friends, and that those two worked themselves into a vicious cycle of loneliness. Then it hit me, maybe my roommate only needs 4 friends and that's why he can't be the least bit considerate to any one else on the hall. 3? no...then you have to rotate them too much. 5? no...too many names to remember.

I vaguely recall having this conversation about his friends coming over and staying...I say vaguely because it happened like a month ago. He asked if I would mind should a few friends come and stay. When I asked how many he told me, "uhhh, I dunno maybe a lot". What? Anyways, this inquiry came to fruition last night with out my prior knowledge. They weren't around FT for long and I was soon home alone, in a room all to myself. Ahhhhh

I got this really bad headache last night though so I didn't end up going out. I would have just got dreezed in the dorm rooms but I popped a few advils to cure the headache and I'm sure mommy wouldn't approve of me mixing drugs and alcohol. So I stayed in and didn't do anything spectacular. Actually, Gordon ( The guy who lives on my floor and is mortimers long lost twin - if mortimer worked out 3 times a day and only wore "man-tanks") and I were bored so we decided to square up for a few games of sting pong:

Gordo

This idiot in the rec room was all like "That looks like it hurts! Why don't you guys play beer pong?!" Son, if Tecate was flowing out of the faucet like water please believe I'd be playing beer pong....After being subjected to Gordons antics for over an hour I decided it was time to hit the sheets. I was pretty concerned when i came back to my room because I really didn't want to walk into a circle jerk of my roomie and his 4 friends (no homo). Surprisingly I walked into an empty room and passed my ass out at about 2 AM. Of course, douchebag and his friends (who were actually quite nice nice might I add. But then again, I did talk to my roommate for a few weeks before I realized he was a creep. Maybe it just takes time with that whole group) come stomping into the room at an ungodly hour. fuck.

I'm finally sleeping in for the first time since thanksgiving woo hoo. Oh fuck, what is that? what the...is this guy watching Kill Bill at 10 AM? With the volume all the way up? Is that a sword fight I'm hearing? or is that just in my head because I'm still asleep? Oh wait no, this guy really is that inconsiderate that he can't even wait another hour when I'm out of bed. (For the record, I don't watch TV or listen to music when he's napping at 5 P.M.) Do I act like the pimp that I am and handle this fool? Oh wait, his 2 friends are passed out on the floor, I'm a pimp but I can't do 3 on 1, my hand ain't that strong. I took a picture on my phone of our room guests but my roomie is a fan of the blackout shades so the picture is a tad on the dark side, it's not even worth posting. Now I'm blogging at 1:10 P.M. on a saturday afternoon in the rec room because if his friends are anything like he is, they're probably just playing video games and now I'm exiled. Great. I know I forgot something but whatever. See you guys later.

Oh one thing I did forget. While I was walking around on campus I saw this guy. I was so in awe at what I saw that I forgot to take a picture. He was wearing a beanie, aviators, a really tight shirt, sevens and some fucking uggs with the tops rolled down. No comment.

He's a busy man...

2007-11-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

Last night I was thinking about writing on here again but I stopped myself because I don't want to be one of those bitches who runs to his blog everytime a thought pops in his head. I had class at 8 today which sucked, but it's not so bad because I get to come home and take a nap (which is BAWM). So I get back from breakfast around 10:45 (15 minutes before he gets back from class) and I find this gem on his keyboard.....I'd be a fool to pass this one up.

I remember his scribbling something at like 7:15 in the AM on a piece of paper, I had no idea he was capable of making gold at such an early hour. Let me break this apart real quick:

CSO meeting - My roomie is training to be a Community Service Officer. This means he gets paid to be a douchebag. Ever since he got the job and started training he's been on his high horse telling all his online buddies about how he had to get finger printed for a job and how he's working for the police. Son, I had to get finger printed too, and I babysat 8 year olds. The job consists of walking around the dorms and busting people for drinking or telling them to turn their music down. If it's not that then he's getting calls to walk people home from Isla Vista because they're too drunk or they are girls who figure they are targets for sexual harassment (maybe you shouldn't have gone to that party in just a bra and heels? Oh excuse me, just because you dress that way... shut up!!). Considering dude is too lazy to walk the 50 paces it takes to get to the dining hall, I don't know how he's going to cover the miles he'll walk in IV attending to drunkards, especially at an hour that is prime WoW time (World of Warcraft, act like you know). He is so lazy that he was bummed to find out being a CSO would not grant him permission for an on campus parking permit. Yes you live off campus. No you can't waste gas and park on a school lot when you live less than a mile away. You have legs, and although they maybe gelatinous and and useful only for connecting your feet to the rest of your body, you need to use them. I walked more than you the day after I learned how to walk. Yeah, I was a motoring son of a bitch.

Check homework - What is the point of checking your homework if you never do it. I honestly didn't even know the kid had an econ class. Unless he only does his homework when I'm in the bathroom or when I'm blinking, I don't know how he handles his shit. I'm not even in the bathroom for more than like 5 minutes at a time anyways.

Buy bike - ....uhhhhhh

Arrange stuff with...Jew? - Yeah so like when you write notes to yourself, sometimes you shorthand or you write little reminds to keep track of your stuff. That does mean you have to go and be all antisemitic about shit. Just because you want to keep god in schools doesn't mean you have to refer to your friend jew. I'm gonna refer to you as honkydouche, that's not derogatory, is it?

Go Running - How about you go walking? or go standing first? Baby steps my friend....Oh wait, you put a question mark after it....good thinking. Yeah, it's probably not going to happen.

I'll tell you, I hate blogging, but it's like when the sergeant gives you ammo you just hafta fire. I also came home to find this....

Well strictly by that picture alone I can make out a pizza box, a box of breadsticks, an empty case of water and two cream soda cans. I hope to god he's not waiting for me to take out the trash considering I throw away like one piece of paper a week. Oh nevermind, cleaning people are coming tomorrow. They'll take care of it. Atleast he recycles....

Pizza #1

2007-11-28T21:59:00.000-08:00

While I wrote my initial expose only hours ago, I knew I left out my boy's eating habits. See I figured I'd get there eventually, but dude surprised me when I came home from the UCSB vs. U of Washington soccer game. He was sitting on his bed watching TV (that's not the surprise), and chillin in front of him was a monster dominos pizza box. I knew what was about to happen so I went to play some pong while he ate it because it's just too repulsive to watch. I fear I'm going to wake up one day and there's going to be a big piece of pizza where my roommate once was. Needless to say, this dude eats a lot of pizza. I labeled this entry as so to help keep track of just how much cheese pie he actually consumes. The results will startle you.

Okay, so I heard through the grapevine he has 19 meals a week in the dining hall which corresponds to one meal for everytime the dining hall is open. That's a shitload. I personally can't even imagine eating that much food. Either this dude doesn't enjoy eating on a regular schedule (apparently he doesn't like doing anything on a regular schedule?) or he just really likes himself some fast food. But that's all too simple. He just bought a brand new car that he loves (even though dude can't drive stick for his life), there's restaurants all over the place within 5 minutes of driving and yet he still insists on ordering Dominos and having it delivered. I have come to the conclusion that he eats like one big meal every few days, like a how a camel drinks and stores water. The only difference is that camels actually have a purpose.

Anywhoo, everytime he gets pizza he orders a large pizza and an order of cinnabread for himself, not because he can eat that much, but because he gets a deal on it. I thought this guy was a genius? Even if you are getting more food for cheap, what good does it do if you can't eat it all? And then he sticks like 2 unwrapped slices of pizza in my fridge and my fucking apples smell like pepperroni. fuck.

Now he's watching this vanessa carlton video on the internet. He wanted to show it to some people who were in the room because he was in it. Normally I'd be interested. But no. The sad part is that he's obnoxious and everyone left the room because nobody cares and now he's just watching it by himself. Sometimes I want to cry because it hurts. It just hurts so bad.

Good Morning...or afternoon

2007-11-28T15:51:00.000-08:00

Today is the day I start blogging. See I'm not one for blogs, in fact I can't even believe I went through the process of registering and coming up with a silly little url and all that shit. But I felt that at this point I needed a way to get it all out.

See, I've been at school for almost 9 weeks now. It took me less than one to realize I live with a complete anomaly of the human race. Dude sleeps/spends more time in bed than he does sitting or standing. The only time he leaves the room is to go to the bathroom, which is connected to our room so I don't know if that really counts. Basically, dude is the laziest person I've ever met, ever. That's not called redundancy right there, that's called reinforcement.

I'd really love to introduce the guy, but I fear if I use real names, places of residence etc etc I might catch heat for this one. Let me just say he's not from around here. Although he says he is from california, I can't help but doubt him. Dude is from another planet.

So anyways, I decided to make this blog while I was riding the bus home for like the 5 minutes that it takes to get here from campus. I was just thinking about the inane amount of time I spend thinking about how much he doesn't do and thought I might as well write it down so atleast it all ends up somewhere. I left for school at 830 AM. My roomie has the same schedule as I do, and so you're probably thinking that he left for class around that time too. That's where you're wrong. See going to class would just make too much sense. I come back home at around 3:30 to find this bitch eating a bag of pretzels with the lights off under his sheepskin blanket watching Star Trek. Unfortunately, I haven't been home all day like he has and therefore cannot tell you exactly how he spent the time that I was out of the room. I can give you a rough estimate however:

He slept till 11, at the earliest.
Did not take a shower.
Played an MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game)
Got back in bed.

That's it. That's all there is to it.

My roommate is a self proclaimed genius. He introduced himself by stating his name, and that's he is already two years ahead (academically) of everyone else who lives on my floor. He has however, the social capacity of my unborn child, thankfully my unborn child isn't an arrogant jerkoff. He wears shirts that say stupid shit like "Genius by birth. Slacker by choice." If I saw that in a magazine I'd say to my self, "Wow, that's a pretty dumb shirt, I can't believe someone wasted cotton and ink making something so dumb." Then when I see someone like my roommate wearing it I think, "Wow, it's not that dumb anymore, this guy is just a fucking douchebag" The more I think about this self proclaimed genius though, I begin to think that maybe he is so much smarter than the rest of us that he doesn't even have to work. He just watches hours of mindless TV and rolls the secret to life around in his head. I always thought college was about deadlines, and work and stress and drinking. Yet dude has not seen any 1 thing from that list while in school. He has figured out how to beat the system, dude might be taking a few years off his life by drinking cream soda and eating microwave popcorn on the daily, but at least he is enjoying every moment he hasn't shaved off his age expectancy.

I'd explain everything that has happened prior to this incident, but it would just take too much time. It would probably bore you guys to death too. I forgot to mention this blog isn't so much for your entertainment as it is for maintaining my sanity. I doubt any body will even read down this far, if you have, congratulations. Sorry but I have no consolation prize for making it this far. I honestly don't care if people read this, I'll probably just look back on it at the end of the year and laugh. Or cry, because I spent so much free time of my freshman year in college chronicling the (in)activity of the turd that the share a room with. Yeah, Turd.

For the record, I hate blogs. I enjoy reading them every now and then but just how self absorbed does someone have to be to advertise their personal diary to the world. Maybe I never had one of these because my life just isn't that cool. That's why I've decided to write about someone else whose life infinitely more interesting....to watch. I'm sure dude is bored out of his mind on the daily but he keeps me wondering just where the ultimate limit of inactivity lies.